Between the Sheets: Don’t Date Boys who Stay up Late to Play with Toys

13 Jul

ImageIt is time for the section in this blog in which I put out sex stories. This one happens to be ridiculous and not so much a sex story as … well I will let you read it.

So I was seeing this guy, and talking to him for a while, but nothing ever went very far. First base was not even grazed with a cleat. One weekend I decided to visit him, he lived far-ish away. I mean I would be spending the weekend, so obviously there would be a little sumtin’ sumtin’ going down.

I went through the entire Friday wondering when this guy was gonna make a move. I was not sure how I felt about the whole shebang but I thought that would definitely help clarify some things. So I waited and waited. And waited, up until we arrived back at his apartment. We were in his bed listening to some music. And finally he made his move… and I wish he hadn’t.

He kissed like a fish. Not that I know what a fish kisses like, but I could only imagine and make a semi-educated guess. If I were in some weird Disney movie, and a fish were to kiss me, that is what it would feel like. Except there was no prince at the end of it. It was awful. Just awful.

I should have guessed considering he had more toys than I do shoes. But I thought that was cute, like a cool hobby. But I guess some of the time spent scrolling on ebay for batman figurines should’ve been spent on youporn.com…

Literally, everywhere you looked were toys. 

How do you keep from kissing a guy, who you are spending the weekend in his bed? I was facing a dilemma. I could tell him he was lacking any sort of skill, and that the rest of the weekend would be very platonic or just put up with it. I put up with it. He did not try again till later. When he asked if we were going to have sex. I almost laughed. I had to put my hand over my mouth, and pretend to cough. I just told him that we would not. No thank you. Nevagonnahappen. Goodnight.

Saturday went by with minimal touching, none on my part, a little on his part. And then Saturday night was party time. Thank god. The alcohol could not come fast enough. His friends came over and we headed out to some party.

Okay, it is at this point that I should mention something. Well two things. The first: He was drinking beer out of a Thor cup. I might have found that hilarious, and quirky if he was doing it to be so, but given the current situation, and the fact that he was wearing a backpack and looked like a 5-year-old on Christmas… I thought that I should be worried. But the next thing only made it worse… he peed in public. And in public I mean he stopped to pee on the street, with me there. See previous post about being belligerent… ya. Not cool dude!! That is not how one acts in front of a lady. His friend apologized for him. And it happened 3 times. 3.

Moving on. I make sure to drink enough at the party. But it would not be enough for what was coming. We get back to his place, and he is wasted so obviously he wants to get down and dirty. Uh-uh. I am trying not to hurt his feelings. I engage in a little make-out session with him, which is probably the worse thing I ever experienced. And ready to call it a night. When he gets naked. Completely naked ! I am like dude, what the fuck.  Smallest. Penis. I. Have. Ever. Seen. Which explained a lot.

He asked me, if he should grab a rubber… and this time I said … ” Fuck no, go take care of that yourself. You have hands.” … And he did.

Till Next Time,

Daffodil Sparkle

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